


Immaturity: Growing out of Love

by kunehonim



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Bittersweet, M/M, Romance, SchoolAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-11-15 14:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11232858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunehonim/pseuds/kunehonim
Summary: It was a terrible break-up: Chanyeol kissing someone else, Baekhyun witnessing it all.It was two years ago when Baekhyun left without a word.





	Immaturity: Growing out of Love

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Idek about the title. It's something... I'd like to believe that could happen in real life, I guess. When you have that love you hoped you'd end up with but it all breaks down. But then you separate for so long but in the end, you find each other again.
> 
> With so many people in this world, how little of a chance could someone get, right? Just had me wondering.
> 
>  
> 
> My cousin ended up with her first love, 10 years after they broke up. They're married now. Isn't it such a curious thing?
> 
>  
> 
> -
> 
>  
> 
> Moving my old fics from AFF to here~ :) Please leave a comment if you liked the story ^^~

 

* * *

Immaturity: Growing Out of Love

* * *

 

 

There’s a rumour going around that Byun Baekhyun’s returning to the University.

 

He’d gone before sophomore year even started, upped and left without a word, not a trace.

 

 

It was a scene that many of Chanyeol’s batch mates had witnessed. Him being the cliché guy in school that many girls and boys alike pined for, they all lined up just for a bit of his attention. Baekhyun was the supportive yet kept-boyfriend from Senior High. He was that boy who yearned for Chanyeol’s attention even before he was known like he is now.

 

Things changed then, when Chanyeol began gaining more friends, and his name became known throughout the campus as time passed. Chanyeol began drowning out the fact that his roommate and lover would always _always_ be waiting for him after basketball practice. Because Baekhyun was meek yet courageous for his love like that; he was unending and patient.

 

For two years of their relationship, Chanyeol knew he adored Baekhyun somewhat. Love, maybe- but then again he weren’t quite sure then. He thought too young of himself to call it love. Being with the petite was always a breath of fresh air, he admitted- it was always a lovely morning. He adored Baekhyun to the greatest degree, but love.

 

Chanyeol wasn’t quite sure if it was love.

 

Whatever happened that one night- when Chaneol had been mindlessly waltzing around with Jisoo, the most adored student from the Literature department, he didn’t know.

 

 

It was _just_ one touch. _Just_ one taste of those lips that’s been distracting him for a while…

 

Still, all it took for Chanyeol to snap out of those thoughts in his head was to hear someone gasping, hearing the impact of something falling on the floor which he followed with his line of sight.

 

A boxed lunch scattered and wasted on the floor, an open bag revealing a change of clothes, and a towel then dirtied by the busy pavement.

 

Chanyeol saw the evident tremble on the corner of the petite boy’s lips the moment he found sense to what was happening- to what has happened- to what he’s done. Yet the warmth of the hands wrapped around his forearms caused his racing heart to harden. With his lips damp and still burning from that stolen kiss, Chanyeol remained appearing unaffected by what was painted before him.

 

“Oh my, what a waste!” Jisoo said in a hushed tone, “he’s looking at us. Did he see us? My, what an innocent boy, probably a Middle Schooler.” She giggled.

 

Chanyeol simply blinked towards him but Baekhyun remained unmoving, tears pooling in his eyes as he clutched onto the bricked walls.

 

Chanyeol was at a loss for words.

 

 

It was just the perfect timing for students to begin pooling out of the university, their evening classes having ended that late in the night.

 

Chanyeol didn’t want trouble. He didn’t want to cause a scene.

 

So God forgive him for what he did, as he shrugged innocently as his eyes pierced right through the brunet before turning towards the girl he was with to give her a smile.

 

“I’ll walk you home?”

 

 

Chanyeol swore to himself that he was going to explain it to Baekhyun when he came home.

 

As they began on their feet, attempting to walk out of sight, Chanyeol heard it, she heard it. Even the passers-by heard it.

 

The way Baekhyun sniffed, the way his breath left him and the way he swooped in to catch the life of him back, disbelief hanging on his shoulders as he slumped and whimpered in the most broken voice that Chanyeol’s ever heard.

 

“Ch… Chanyeol?”

 

It was weak yet heard. It was broken yet whole.

 

It was like Baekhyun had been abandoned of all the hopes and dreams he had for them; like Baekhyun had only caught onto what he’d seen; like Baekhyun expected him to come to him and hug him whole; like he expected Chanyeol to choose him in the end and say it was a mistake- a whim, a big stupid mistake and that he was sorry.

 

But Chanyeol did none of that and he wished he did.

 

 

Because the promise that he made to himself of explaining to Baekhyun was over before it ever happened.

 

Chanyeol came home to nothing.

 

He came home to no one.

 

Just like that, Baekhyun erased himself beside him; hear him out?—not this time.

 

 

Baekhyun’s friends refused to tell him where the boy went. After what happened that night with the rumours spreading like wildfire and Jisoo clinging onto him the very next day with a kiss on the cheek which his own friends rolled their eyes to, Chanyeol knew he fucked up.

 

It’s two months later when Chanyeol last saw Baekhyun. He was with Kyungsoo and Jongin.

 

From afar, he saw the brunet handing something to them. Jongin turned, looking for someone and when his eyes zeroed in on him, when their gazes connected, the male felt something strike him in his heart for the way Jongin’s eyes said it. The look of pity that was being directed to him from across the hall; it was evident that Baekhyun wasn’t going to talk to him. He wasn’t going to return to him and he wasn’t going to hear what he had to say for his actions.

 

 

Jongdae was smiling brightly when he came to visit Chanyeol in the dorm room that he shared with Baekhyun. The male carried a huge box with him. “Came to take Baekhyun’s things with me, my man!” he cheerfully greeted.

 

It hasn’t caught onto the taller yet when the other barged in without being invited; when Jongdae began rummaging through their shared closet, dumping what looked like Baekhyun’s belongings one by one without neatly putting them together.

 

Chanyeol still only blinked.

 

“What do you mean?” he croaked, rubbing his eyes as he slowly yet sure awoke to another reality that he would need some getting used to.

 

“Huh?” Jongdae chirped, “You didn’t hear? Baekhyun’s moving out of here~” he shrugged. “I mean, who in their right mind would remain in the same room with their ex right? Moreso someone who keeps you in the dark and cheats~?” Jongdae’s tone was friendly yet sarcasm dripped in between the words that came out of his mouth.

 

Chanyeol found himself awake then, his eyes bulging at the realization, “Ex…? I’m not Baekhyun’s—“

 

And then Jongdae’s smile dropped. When that one piece of shirt went into the box along with the others, when Jongdae stomped his way to him, yanking his shirt—pulling him in for a tight grip, “for fuck’s sake Chanyeol we’ve been together since childhood. Baekhyun—Baekhyun was sure about his feelings for you before he even confessed.” The male hissed, “I saw what happened, how much he endured and you go do this one thing to ruin it all!” Jongdae’s face was reddening in anger, his grip shaking, and his tone menacing.

 

So early in the morning, Chanyeol was yet again rooted to his spot, not knowing what to say.

 

“You know I wouldn’t hurt—“

 

“Well you did,” Jongdae groaned, his grip loosening as Chanyeol was slightly pushed out of balance, “You done fucking up Chanyeol. You never even introduced him to your team mates? Your _fangirls?_ Didn’t say you’re taken, hm?” Jongdae smirked, looking at him from the roots of his hair down to his toes, “You made him look stupid. Just like how you made him chase you for so long before you said you realized you like him back? And then _this._ Hah!”

 

“Hear me out, Dae!” Chanyeol tried, “It was an accident!” Chanyeol blurted desperately.

 

What he got was a frustrated sigh, Jongdae looking up to him with a smile once again but this time, Chanyeol knew he was pissed as hell.

 

“So that’s what it was!” the male exclaimed, “an accident!” And then, with just a blink, all the happiness in his face was wiped out as he looked at Chanyeol in the eyes, “For someone so tall like you, kissing someone is no accident. We weren’t born yesterday. You can’t lie to me Chanyeol, I know you like the back of my palm. Moreso I know how much you hurt Baekhyun.”

 

There was a long pause between them, and Jongdae walked back to continue packing Baekhyun’s things.

 

And then he sighed, looking around the room that the both of them shared, his eyes zeroing into the small cabinet where photos of Chanyeol and his friends stood on colourful frames- not one of them being a photo of him with Baekhyun alone.

 

“Even your friends know how much you neglect him.” He sighed.

 

 

As Chanyeol sat there watching Jongdae clean up Baekhyun’s space, he allowed himself to drown in his thoughts. Was Baekhyun really leaving? He’s leaving him…? Somehow it felt… Wrong. Simply wrong.

 

“You should go to church. Go thank God that I was the one who came here—you have no idea how pissed Kyungsoo is.” Jongdae sneered, as he continued to put away a few more things, the male began speaking to himself, a monologue that was obviously still a question for Chanyeol, “Kissing someone else, bleh. Gross. What an infidel. You couldn’t have broken up properly?” Jongdae muttered.

 

“We didn’t break up!” He returned, but Jongdae was having none of it.

 

“With how that snake is clinging onto you and you not telling her off? Save it.”

 

It’s a week later in class when it finally sunk into him. How their professor stopped calling Baekhyun’s name for attendance. How the seat next to him remained empty and lifeless.

 

Baekhyun was gone from his life.

 

And he didn’t do anything to stop it from happening.

 

Chanyeol hoped at least to see Baekhyun in campus then. He’d one day hoped to ask him for some time to talk about what happened, that he could just let Baekhyun cool off for a few days, weeks, maybe. But he wasn’t so keen on the idea of a break-up.

 

Baekhyun wasn’t one to walk out on him. Not Baekhyun. Everyone can walk out but not him. He’s never done that to him so he hoped. That Baekhyun was coming back.

 

 

“You never really treated him like a boyfriend. What’s the use of telling you his whereabouts? So what if Baekhyun vacated the dorms without telling you? So what if Baekhyun decided to change phone numbers and not tell you? So _fucking_ what if Baekhyun dropped out just to get away from you?

 

You kept him a secret from everyone you knew here, you pretended you didn’t know him. Like he wasn’t your boyfriend. Yeah, what you’re feeling now, Baekhyun’s been living with it the moment you decided that you _like_ him back. If your definition of like is this, I thank whatever deity exists that Baekhyun left you.” Kyungsoo blurted all at once when he so little as tried to ask them if they’ve seen Baekhyun.

 

 

Chanyeol lived with regrets then. Not only for the way he handled the situation that led them to this but also for the way had he treated Baekhyun in general.

 

For the record they’ve only ever been on three dates when their relationship began, having had to cancel a few times because of other things he did with friends. He prioritized them more, in turn neglecting that one person who had his back. He couldn’t even remember if he took Baekhyun out when they began attending college.

 

 

Life was ironic in a way that when Baekhyun had gone, Chanyeol only had him in his mind.

 

He wondered what he could have done better.

 

Day in and day night. Chanyeol never vacated the room they shared. He began skipping classes, at the same time skipping basketball practice. He didn’t change passcodes hoping that maybe by some twisted fate, Baekhyun would return and Chanyeol would find him back there with him.

 

He hoped everything was a nightmare.

 

But he wouldn’t wake up.

 

There was no waking up. If he knew that reality without Baekhyun would be this harsh and lonely, he might have done a better job at loving him.

 

 

And now 2 years later where Chanyeol found himself free from the basketball team, he begins hearing rumours again. It started from Jongdae who’d obliviously sing-song Sehun’s name in the cafeteria, the transfer student who’s just recently begun sitting with them.

 

Chanyeol’s friends had zeroed into so little with Jongin remaining the same; and Yixing not really bothering to pick a side.

 

And Jongdae— he’s stopped all communication with him but he still made it a point that Chanyeol overheard things about Baekhyun.

 

He’s never seen Baekhyun again after that time.

 

Baekhyun who so cheerfully used to tail him wherever he went; bring him lunch and take care of him.

 

Chanyeol still memorizes his cheerful persona, how the sun would shine in his presence, how his voice is a melody, how his laugh is infectious.

 

He still remembers how Baekhyun’s efforts are admirable, how his cooking was wonderful; how his whining is adorable and how pink he turns when Chanyeol did something out of character.

 

He still remembers them all.

 

But he never told Baekhyun of the things he holds dear about him. He never told him of these things, never really showed him how much he meant to him.

 

 

The rumours are confirmed then and there. When Chanyeol comes into class only to notice the seated male there with focused eyes…

 

Just like how Chanyeol was last to know of Baekhyun’s departure, there he is—the last to know of Baekhyun’s return.

 

Ah, it made him wonder.

 

Was this how Baekhyun felt then? Always being the last priority.

 

When classes ended, Chanyeol didn’t know what to do. The lights turned on after the VCR was turned off, students rose and began leaving.

 

All but Baekhyun.

 

All but Chanyeol.

 

There was a long awkward silence that made its existence there and Chanyeol somewhat knew that Baekhyun felt his presence. Maybe not him but just the fact that someone remained in the room with him…

 

 

Chanyeol’s heart raced at the thought—seeing Baekhyun again. How could he face him? What could he say? Should he ask for forgiveness? Would Baekhyun even stay to hear what he had to say?

 

Chanyeol’s fantasies died the very second the lithe figure arose from his seat.

 

Baekhyun turned around and their eyes met, steady.

 

Chanyeol’s heart hammered. His world stopped. His ears fell deaf as his eyes raked on the figure before him. Baekhyun’s shed off the baby fats in his body, his skin remained flawless as he remembered it to be but his soft cheeks are now hollow, replaced by the edges of his jaws. His eyes no longer shine the way they used to and the resting cheerful aura had gone to be replaced by a scowl.

 

 

“Baekhyun?” a stranger called; causing Chanyeol to jump in his seat as though he’d been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to do.

 

Turning his head around, the taller male finds the owner of the voice by the doorway. He’s tall and lean with flowing blond hair. Chanyeol remembers him, Oh Sehun.

 

“Sehunnie!” Baekhyun’s voice. Ah, and here he thought he wouldn’t get a chance to hear it.

 

Chanyeol swallowed hard by the way Baekhyun referred to the male.

 

He didn’t want to, but his body went on auto-pilot as he looked back towards _his ex_ whose eyes were focused on the stranger and he swore, he didn’t like what he saw there.

 

The sparkle that he was looking for, the smile that he missed… It belonged to someone else now and knowing that it wasn’t his alone anymore—Chanyeol’s heart clenched.

 

In jealousy, in self-pity.

 

He held onto it.

 

He held onto hope. He held onto memories. He held onto the wish that Baekhyun would return.

 

He did but still—this isn’t what he expected.

 

 

Baekhyun began on his feet then, walking towards the male who waited by the doorway. Chanyeol’s throat burned at this, his eyes aching from the inside as Baekhyun approached the other, as the distance between them became greater.

 

It’s like two years ago all over again but this time, the tables are turned on him.

 

Was this—was this what made Baekhyun let go of him? What made him leave?

 

It hurt.

 

It ached.

 

“Baekh—Baekhyun…” Before Chanyeol could find composure, he’d already revealed himself vulnerable.

 

“What?” the way Baekhyun said it like he was annoyed. Chanyeol still knows it. The moods he has when he speaks.

 

“Baekhyun? Ready to go?” the other questioned; the blond looked back and forth between them, reading the atmosphere, “Oh. Was I interrupting something with your friend?”

 

Baekhyun briefly turned away to face the male, shaking his head visible towards the guy, “Nope! We’re not friends. Just an acquaintance from Middle High.”

 

“You sure?” The male said in the most unsurprised expression. Chanyeol could have taken it for mockery. “Looks to me you’re having a lovers’ spat.” He then chuckled.

 

“Oh come on! You know Jondae’s the last guy I dated!”

 

 

Oh.

 

Chanyeol blinked a few times. Not registering what he’s hearing.

 

He wants to laugh but his heart ached.

 

“Y-you guys dated?” Chanyeol’s voice shook as he said this, breaking the moment between the two.

 

Baekhyun barely turned to look at him, letting out a small nod, “Yeah, last year.”

 

And Chanyeol was left speechless, merely blinking, not bothering to say more as Baekhyun walked out, grabbed the blond by the hand and rushed out of the room.

 

Chanyeol could feel his heart ripping apart. It’s beyond regret, it’s beyond pain.

 

He’s left with nothing but these as his knees gave out. He mourns for a love lost, oblivious that Baekhyun has rushed towards the janitor’s room, with Sehun in tow as he sobbed his guts out incoherently saying “I can’t do this.”

 

 

. . .

 

 

 

It was Sehun who held him together as he broke apart. It was Sehun who urged him to face what he ran away from. Sehun who’s pushing him to face things head-on.

 

It was different with Jongdae back then. After things fell apart, Baekhyun only had his best friend.

 

In his most vulnerable state, only Jongdae stood in front of him, shielding him away from the hurt that he was tired of facing. Only Jongdae stood there to defend him. Only Jongdae, who wiped his tears and told him he was going to make it alright but along the way Baekhyun realized that he shouldn’t always need protecting. Maybe Jongdae did too at some point of their relationship.

 

When they called it quits, all loose ties were knotted. They accepted what fate had in store for them, how romance wasn’t something they could have.

 

 

It wasn’t long before Sehun came into his life. Arrogance being his shadow, he stood tall and proud of his decisions; he spoke clear and knew his own intentions. When Baekhyun and he found themselves seated beside each other under the dimly-lit lights in the theatre room a year ago, Baekhyun didn’t know what came into him as he spilled every little thing about him.

 

Sehun wasn’t one to judge. Neither did he mock Baekhyun for being stupid- for staying in such a relationship, for loving such a guy nor did he ask Baekhyun why he left; if he was ever going back there. Instead, he gave Baekhyun a purse of the lips, looking at him with an expressionless face.

 

“Give yourself some time,” he said. “You need to stop making decisions when your emotions are at peak. It’s clouding your judgement.”

 

It only took a complete stranger for Baekhyun to stop holding onto that heartbreak.

 

 

Despite the fact that he and Jongdae shared something when they pursued a relationship, they were both well-aware that Chanyeol was going to get in between them; for he was Baekhyun’s ghost like that—a lingering shadow. No matter who Baekhyun tried to love from then on, it was always going to lead back to Chanyeol—what he’d done both in the past and what he could still do to Baekhyun in the future. He had so much power over Baekhyun and it was scary. What he caused—such heartbreak is terrifying.

 

The days blurred as Baekhyun got to know more of Sehun. In a span of a year, he’s managed to show him things he’d never seen before, made him feel things _again._ And it was true. Sehun was very clear of his intentions. He taught Baekhyun the importance of finding and using his voice. Approaching situations; he taught Baekhyun that It wasn’t wrong to want more; that it was okay to insist things, it was okay to hate things that don’t go his way.

 

In a way, Baekhyun attempted to spend those waking days learning to hate Chanyeol. He played out scenarios in his head, how much he’d wanted Chanyeol to want him back, to come crawling back to him.

 

But more than that, Baekhyun wished for the day that his heart stopped aching by the mere thought of the man.

 

He hasn’t really gotten out of that part yet.

 

But Sehun was patient like that.

 

That’s why, when Senior year proved vexing for Baekhyun with Sehun making the decision to transfer to the University that he left, the brunet hesitantly followed the boy there, as he’d been dared to do the same. Sehun said it would help him face his monsters—when in all reality, it would just be him in front of Chanyeol, around Chanyeol, near Chanyeol...

 

Still he did it.

 

Sehun said it’ll do him good.

 

Oh how good it did him the moment he stepped into that familiar classroom.

 

How much his heart was wrung in pain as he held onto the empty hope of finding Chanyeol just as miserable as he lived for the last two years yet there wasn’t any sign of the male. Baekhyun’s world shook with expectation.

 

When classes ended, when the students began to leave; it took Baekhyun more than a year’s worth of hurt to turn around just to see Chanyeol sitting there, eyes on him.

 

And God forgive him for feeling that way, because for a second, he allowed himself to succumb to it—his heart pounded at the mere sight of him.

 

Had he not clung onto the last memory that he had of Chanyeol, he would have broken down again.

 

It was more than tears and sweat for Baekhyun to maintain such façade. The scowl on his face, the deaf ears he presented Chanyeol. For him to invalidate the 2 years that they shared as a couple, Baekhyun felt his heart rip at its seams.

 

It’s like ignoring the 4 years he spent pursuing a love that had a bleak future.

 

“He’s an acquaintance…” Baekhyun almost bit his tongue off when he said it.

 

 

Sehun has guided him wonderfully he must say. But still, Baekhyun proved himself still crazy in love with such a man—someone who put him last.

 

“I can’t do it. I can’t do this, Sehun.” The petite sobbed as the blond embraced him, keeping him whole; giving him strength.

 

In turn of hurting Chanyeol for hurting him for all those years’ worth, Baekhyun knew he was picking at his own wounds.

 

He couldn’t do what Chanyeol did to him. He couldn’t bear to.

 

“It’ll help you, Baekhyun.” Sehun insisted as he rubbed comfortingly at the sobbing brunet’s back.

 

In return, the petite merely shook his head as he allowed the tears to fall. It’s back. The pain is back, the monsters are back and he’s aching everywhere. Every inch of his body seemed broken, incoherent.

 

Drowning in his emotions, the brunet violently shook his head as he muffled his cries into the other’s chest, “I can’t! I won’t make him live what I had to live with. It’s enough that I suffered—revenge? I don’t want that. That won’t help me—I… I just want to stop hurting, Sehun!” he sobbed, “I just… I just want to end this properly.”

 

The blond barely said anything to that, just keeping him there in his embrace, hushing him as he continued to cry his heart out.

 

“… Then tell him the truth,” Sehun concluded finally, “you still love him, Baekhyun. Nobody asked you to deny that. I won’t advise you to go back to him, or you take him back. Neither of that; just sit down and talk.” The blond hummed.

 

“A relationship’s foundation is communication and you both failed at it. So do it now while some things can still be mended. Maybe not all, but that’s a start.”

 

It was Baekhyun’s turn to stay mum. Exhausted, the brunet closed his eyes and allowed himself there in the taller male’s embrace, seeking a refuge that he knew would only be temporary.

 

 

For two people who wished they didn’t have to face one another, Fate played her cards right to make sure their wishes were put in vain.

 

Chanyeol and Baekhyun saw each other every day. Though they barely had classes with each other anymore by how Baekhyun had gone the extra mile of avoiding Chanyeol lest he had no choice, they still saw each other. Be it a glimpse, or an obvious stare.

 

In the gym, where Chanyeol only ever stepped into since he quit the basketball team, only because he’s heard that Baekhyun had been frequenting the place to _visit Sehun;_ in the cafeteria where Chanyeol sits with Jongin and Yixing; where Baekhyun dines with Jongdae, Kyungsoo _and Sehun._ It’s one step forward every time they meet, five steps back retaken when they go their separate ways.

 

What a joke this was. Whatever they were doing around each other.

 

They wanted to talk; yet they both lacked the courage to.

 

 

Chanyeol’s heart never stopped hammering. Baekhyun’s love was depleting.

 

Soon, what will be left of them?

 

 

It was the encounter at the dorm hallway. Chanyeol was tipsy and Baekhyun was fumbling for his keys. They avoided each other but still, there they were. In one space at the same time; again and again and again.

 

It was Baekhyun who stopped first but it was Chanyeol who broke the silence. His voice was low, slurring under his breath, “I looked everywhere.”

 

Baekhyun heard it clearly even so. And he knew then, that he still had the choice to turn the doorknob and go in. He also had the choice to stay. And listen—and talk.

 

Listen, hear his side, get an explanation, mend things— _properly end things._ Like Sehun has been telling him to.

 

Just that he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to hear excuses. To hear Chanyeol stutter his way out of this one, in the end, Baekhyun chooses to run away… But as he is to push the door open, Baekhyun’s ears throb from the inside as he hears the footsteps approaching, getting louder; in an instant, there’s a warm and trembling hand around his free wrist.

 

In an instant, Chanyeol is right there behind him, breathing him down, and his breath shivering evidently as he inhaled raggedly.

 

“Please,” Chanyeol spoke, “I just wanted you to hear me out. It’s been 2 years without you, _Baek…”_

 

By the way Chanyeol said it, Baekhyun’s heart was wrecked.

 

 

It didn’t take long for Baekhyun to shake him off as if he’s been burnt. The pained voice that Chanyeol was using, the way he sounded like he’s close to tears.

 

“Talk?” Baekhyun sighed, “You want to talk?”

 

The brunet finally pushed his door harshly, stood to the side and offered the lanky male to go inside, “fine, Chanyeol. _Let’s talk.”_

 

The male then stared at him as though he were blind, allowing his feet to control him as he walked into the brunet’s dorm room. Baekhyun didn’t dare give him a second to settle down.

 

“You didn’t see it coming, did you?” Baekhyun began, anger boiling in his stomach, not knowing where to start, not knowing how to start.

 

Anger wins the race to his tongue, the lashing out ready to emerge as he bit on his lower lip, finding sense before red, finding control before black. “You thought you could just come back to me and act like nothing happened? Countless times you brushed me off, Chanyeol. I let that slip—it was nothing; it was trivial.

 

Kissing? Someone else? And acting like you didn’t know me when I saw you with my own eyes.” He shook his head violently, “not me. Not to me. _You_ don’t get to do that to _me._ I won’t stay for _that._ ”

 

 _“But it was an accident!”_ Chanyeol fought, and Baekhyun saw the tear that slid down to his cheek as he pulled his head back and groaned, sliding a palm over his face, “It was a spur of the moment—I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t know _why the fuck I did it!”_

 

Baekhyun sighed, “Was it also a spur of the moment when you didn’t introduce me to your team?” He hummed, fighting the tears back, the slow burn in his throat slithering, “Was it also a spur of the moment, when you acted like you didn’t see me in the halls whenever your fans were around?”

 

“I _waited_ Chanyeol. I am—I _was_ your boyfriend. I shouldn’t have to wait for you to _notice me_. What would you have done if you were in my position?” He asked, finally.

 

And it was silence, as Baekhyun poured a piece of his mind.

 

Chanyeol stood there dumbly, his voice missing.

 

Baekhyun saw the panic in his eyes, the evidence that he didn’t prepare for this conversation much like how Baekhyun himself didn’t.

 

“You don’t know.” Baekhyun answered for him.

 

“You don’t know, because you’re so sure that you wouldn’t be the one left behind.” He sighed, “You don’t know, because with all the people fawning over you, you’re sure you could prevent yourself from being in _my_ position.”

 

“It’s not like that!” Chanyeol tried, shaking his head rapidly as he looked at Baekhyun straight in the eyes.

 

“Then what was it? What is _this?_ What do you want? You wanted to talk—we’re talking, but what do you want?” brunet swallowed.

 

“What do you want from me, Chanyeol?” he said, with finality. His voice reaching its breaking point; Baekhyun could feel the heat welling up in his eyes and he begged himself to hold on. He can cry later but not in front of Chanyeol.

 

Again, Chanyeol had nothing to say for himself.

 

He merely sighed and stood there stupidly, as he said for the nth time, “I… I don’t know.”

 

 

“Then why are we here. Wasting each other’s time? You’re drunk. You won’t even remember this tomorrow. Go home, Chanyeol.

 

We can’t talk unless you know what you want to talk about.” He shook his head.

 

 

Absent-mindedly, Chanyeol walked the way he came in without putting up a fight. The taller male’s eyes drooped, and Baekhyun felt the tears edge out from his eyes, breathing in heavily as he slowly shut the door—before Chanyeol could turn around and add more wounds on his battered heart.

 

For the whole evening, Baekhyun cried his heart out. And Sehun was there, returning from basketball rehearsals.

 

He wasn’t even surprised to see Baekhyun mourning there.

 

Without any questions asked, Sehun is at his side, hugging him and giving him a shoulder to cry on.

 

 

It’s a process: You hurt yourself as thorough as you can to be able to love again.

 

 

. . .

 

 

There were no secrets with their respective friends anymore.

 

After what happened, with Chanyeol seemingly able to recall bits of what transpired that night despite the hangover he had to endure, he’d gone and told Jongin and Yixing everything.

 

Baekhyun’s swollen eyes may have already told the others what happened.

 

And by Jongin being the only free man who was allowed to sail both seas of Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s friendship, he was able to calm the growing tension.

 

He brought it out in the open, let Baekhyun know that Chanyeol is still looking for the reason—he’s still looking for the answers to the questions that Baekhyun asked him.

 

Simply, it was a notice.

 

It was a notice for Baekhyun to be ready, because Chanyeol was surely going to be at his tail again once he’s done thinking things over.

 

Baekhyun hoped he was ready for that.

 

 

It didn’t take long until Chanyeol was on the other side of Baekhyun’s door. This time he was knocking on it, calling Baekhyun’s name softly.

 

It was weird, because it wasn’t what Baekhyun expected. He didn’t expect to be calm, for his heart not to pound the way it did the first time they spoke face to face again. He was just himself then, when he walked towards the door. Only when he held onto the knob did his palm grow cold. His heart did a little tumble but Baekhyun endured it. Baekhyun opened the door, and there Chanyeol stood.

 

He was neither drunk nor slurring. Completely sober this time, looking like he’d just woken up and dressed himself proper.

 

When Chanyeol raised his head and found his gaze, Baekhyun’s heart felt heavy. He hoped that the heavens would let him go through this peacefully.

 

“Hi.” Chanyeol croaked. “Can we… Can we talk…?”

 

Baekhyun stepped aside much like how he did that one night. The taller walked in and finally, he sat down on a chair by the desktop.

 

Baekhyun sat on his bed, facing him.

 

 

There was a long moment of silence between them. Baekhyun sat there with his back straight as he observed Chanyeol carefully.

 

There were a lot of changes in him it seemed. Not just for his obvious gain in height, but also for the depth of his voice. Chanyeol’s hair had grown out compared to before when he stuck to only one hairstyle.

 

No longer was he carrying a resting crooked smile on his face, now, he carried himself seriously; with a well-kept posture, a serious expression. As though one would think that he’s lost in thought when you’d encounter him somewhere.

 

Baekhyun turned for a bit, clearing his throat.

 

“What do you want to talk about?”

 

“Us.” Chanyeol sighed, “I want to talk about us-- what happened, not just the last time we talked but also two years ago. I want to talk about everything. Even more things before that.” Chanyeol mumbled.

 

“I didn’t know what to say, Baekhyun. Where do I start? Shall I start with the fact that it hasn’t sunken into me yet that we’ve been apart for the last two years? That it hasn’t sunken into me that we’ve broken up, that I did something that I swore I wouldn’t do to you?”

 

“That you cheated—“

 

“I didn’t cheat. I kissed someone else without the proper mind to.”

 

“Chanyeol, you kissed her. It’s not a whim, she’s been on your mind—you thought about her for a period of time that you ended up kissing her. You _should_ know.

 

That’s where we started.”

 

“Baekhyun, what happened between us was different from _that,_ okay? I—I don’t know what got into me. It was all new, I didn’t know where to start, I didn’t know what I was doing, I lost my focus, I lost sight of what’s important. After I joined the team, things just looked up for me that I—“

 

“That you forgot me.” Baekhyun cut in, “You became famous, and so you left me at the side lines?” Baekhyun scoffed.

 

Chanyeol ran his palms over his face. “I… I did.” The male finally admitted, “It was all new, Baek. I didn’t know what was happening, where it was bringing me.”

 

“You. So from then on, all you thought about was yourself.” He nodded slowly. Hearing it all now, how it went for Chanyeol—the change in his surroundings, how girls gathered around him when he was free.

 

“So, you forgot about me? About us? Just like that?”

 

“I was going with the flow, Baekhyun. If I’d known this is what it would bring us to then I—“

 

“But you didn’t. None of us did. You can’t turn back time, Chanyeol. Nothing you say can make what happened in the past go away.

 

… I just want to know why.” He said slowly.

 

Baekhyun swallowed hard, only then did he notice that he was clutching onto his bed sheets, his neck aching as he put pressure to himself from the inside, trying to control his emotions. Baekhyun was losing to the pain again.

 

“I just—“ He hiccupped finally, the tears. They managed to sneak up on him, they’re trickling down and Chanyeol was merely a blurry sight in front of him, “I just want to put an end to this, _Yeol_.” He finally muttered in defeat.

 

“Couldn’t you have at least broken up with me first? Before you shoved it to my face that you were _tired_ of me? I’m not as stupid as I was when we were kids, Yeol. I knew something was wrong when you began cancelling out our dates—cancelling out on _me,_ I knew something was wrong when you stopped kissing me. I heard the warnings in my head when you stopped acknowledging me in public. But I still stayed, _why?_ Because there was a reason why I fell in love with you; I stayed for a reason, and you know what? I hoped that one day you’d find it too, but…” He sniffled.

 

“Here we are.”

 

Baekhyun was crying by then, fighting with the tears as he tried to get his words across. Chanyeol sat there in front of him beside his own regrets, crying out the years that they’ve been together yet have been ever so apart.

 

“Tell me, Chanyeol—please. Just this; be honest with me.” He sniffed, adjusting himself in his seat, the bed sheets moving under his weight.

 

“In the 2 years that we were together, did you… Did you love me? At all?” His voice shook at the last two words, and the petite kept his head low, hoping that Chanyeol would be honest with him with this.

 

There was silence first.

 

The brunet wasn’t able to witness how Chanyeol very slowly got out of his seat, how slowly the tall male approached him and sat on the floor, inches away from him.

 

Chanyeol cupped Baekhyun’s face, made him raise his gaze, looked him in the eyes and shook his head. “Not yet.” He breathed shakily, “that time, when we were younger. I didn’t think I was in love with you yet.” He admitted.

 

Baekhyun felt shivers up his spine as Chanyeol spoke; he shook his head, the very little moments that they shared together flashing at the back of his mind. Baekhyun’s tears continued to flow at the revelation, “So even if I had you then… you were never really mine.”

 

“No, no, not that.” Chanyeol shook his head at his words, “I didn’t love you _yet_ ,” He repeated, shaking his head, shushing the brunet as he tried to say something, “I thought we were too young for love back then, Baek. But I adored you. So much, so so much, you wouldn’t even believe—“

 

“But how could you do that to me?” Baekhyun whimpered, like a lost child who’d been found again. His lips were trembling as his eyes gushed tears like waterfalls. “You hurt me over and over again. You made me think we were together when you wouldn’t even let anyone see us together in public. Were you ashamed of me? Did I do something wrong to be so shameful?”

 

“No, Baek.” Chanyeol tried. His voice was already panicking at that point, as Baekhyun broke down in a way he’d never imagined before.

 

He wanted to kiss the tears away, to kiss his insecurities away but he knew it would only hurt Baekhyun more…

 

 

It was a couple of minutes later when Baekhyun calmed down. Chanyeol held him in his embrace as tight as he could. He waited until the petite was ready to continue their conversation. If Baekhyun was ready to hear what more he had to say.

 

They found themselves in a different position then. After all the crying that they’d done, Chanyeol had situated himself on the floor with his back against the wall, Baekhyun leaning onto him as he wrapped his arms around him.

 

They were both defeated by the heartbreak. They were both defeated by the mistakes they’ve made.

 

“You are my best friend, Baekhyun. All these years,” Chanyeol sniffed, “there’s been only you who knew me completely.

 

When you confessed to me, it was all too new that I didn’t really accept you first. Just the fact that I found out that you liked me, and that you were hoping for me to love you back, I just wasn’t sure back then.

 

I said I liked you back, I know what I said. And I did. I adored you a lot for being able to love the way you loved me and I also hoped that I could love you the way you did…

 

I really enjoyed being with you a lot, but… I don’t know, somewhere I just began feeling different. It wasn’t me beginning to not like you anymore, but, it was like I felt that I wanted all the time for myself, for what I wanted to do.”

 

“I was suffocating you.” Baekhyun supplied.

 

“I guess…” Chanyeol tried, sniffling as he held Baekhyun closer, leaning onto him. “I guess, I was just… Simply not ready for a relationship back then.”

 

“There’s our answer.” Baekhyun whispered, closing his eyes as the tears continued falling, “We got our answer. I have your answer.”

 

At this point Baekhyun knew he loved too much, and Chanyeol loved too little.

 

They were on a completely different page, and being together like that—it did none of them good.

 

“But we can try again, can’t we?” the taller male muttered under his breath, his face still buried on the brunet’s shoulder, “We can go back to how we were before.”

 

“No, we can’t.” Baekhyun said, “I don’t want to go back to that miserable relationship.” Baekhyun pulled away then and turned around to look at the sobbing male.

 

“Chanyeol, if this is you asking me to come back to you,” He shook his head, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it because you’ve hurt me so much—you’re didn’t even love me befo—“

 

“But I love you!” Chanyeol sobbed, harder this time—his tears, gushing out, flooding down his cheeks as he crouched there, his forearms supporting his body weight, his head hanging low as he cried in front of the other, “I love you. I fucking love you, okay? I didn’t love you yet when we were younger but I’m sure as hell I’m in love with you now. It wasn’t the same when you left, Baekhyun. I tried to be okay but I wasn’t.” He continued, “I don’t know, I didn’t know how much I love you until you left, how much it fucking hurt. Please,” He sobbed, “Just… Just listen to me,” He pulled a hand over to cup the side of Baekhyun’s cheek, “look at me.”

 

Baekhyun continued to shake his head slowly, “How? How do I listen, why would we go back to that relationship, Yeol? It’s been two years, so many things have changed I—“

 

“I’ve changed for the better, Baek.”

 

Baekhyun shook his head, “You have, but what about me? You don’t know what I’ve done. You don’t know how I’ve lived until now.

 

It’s not just you now, Yeol. You’re not the only one giving me attention now, I’ve learned a lot from what we had and after being away from you for so long, I also realized how much love I had so little for myself.

 

There’s me too, Yeol. There’s me. I need to love myself.” He sobbed, “Ever since I fell for you, I’d forgotten that tiny important thing. I forgot myself.”

 

“Please…”

 

“Chanyeol, listen to me.” Baekhyun sniffed. He got on his knees and wiped his own tears away, crawled closer towards the tall male who quickly wrapped his arms around his waist and continued to cry on him. “Chanyeol, this is good for us.”

 

“No.” Chanyeol responded, muffled against Baekhyun’s shirt.

 

“We’ve heard what we needed to hear. We’ve said what we wanted to say, Yeol. This is it, _a clean break._ ” He swallowed.

 

“No! Baekhyun, please. I love you!” He sobbed, his shoulders shaking.

 

“Shh, listen,” He said once more, “listen to me, look at me.” The brunet muttered, this time he is the one to cup the latter’s cheeks and make him look his way, “We need time for ourselves, Yeol. The things we held each other back from doing, we can do it now. You can date who you want without me being a burden, I can go wherever I want without being chained to thoughts of you. Don’t you see?”

 

“Baekhyun, please don’t make it any harder for us.” The taller begged, literally. “I can’t lose you again.”

 

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun sighed shakily. The brunet felt his heart pound, his ears clogged as he embraced the taller male, kissing his hair, his temple, “Don’t make this any harder for _me._ ” He muttered, “We need to let go of each other here. We need to stop this now because it’s over.”

 

“Baekhyun…”

 

“Don’t make me want to come back to you so soon, _Yeol._ I need time for myself.” He shook his head, “I _want_ time for myself too. Like you did.”

 

“But I’ll lose you,” Chanyeol whimpered.

 

“I lost you,” Baekhyun returned. “Give me time, distance, and peace. I’ll give you back the same. After we graduate, don’t talk to me, don’t look for me, don’t remember me. I’m Byun Baekhyun, a past that you’re finally over with, from this day onwards.”

 

“No,” Chanyeol shook his head, “Why are you doing this?”

 

Baekhyun felt his heart burn at the way Chanyeol looked, his tears welling up again, “Because I love you!” Baekhyun whispered, “Because I _still_ love you.

 

Because we need to grow out of this, we _need_ to heal from all of this, Chanyeol!” He sobbed.

 

 

“We need to be apart from each other. Please. It’s my turn to ask for my freedom.

 

I hope you’ll give in to me this time.”

 

 

. . .

 

 

Chanyeol didn’t know how, but he stuck to what Baekhyun had asked of him the last time they were alone in the same room.

 

Sehun had never been more around the petite, hovering around him as though shoving it to Chanyeol’s face that he couldn’t even be 6 feet near the brunet.

 

Chanyeol endured it.

 

Going through the last 3 months of senior year had never been slower. What with Chanyeol having to put up with at the very least, sharing a table with Baekhyun—Jongdae, and Kyungsoo included; Jongin had never felt so relieved, Yixing never really minded. Sehun was still there.

 

The constant reminder that the tall blond was by Baekhyun’s side made Chanyeol impossibly irritable but then again, maybe it was just him not being able to even say hi to the boy that he’s still very much in love with.

 

When they finally marched their final march, got their own respective diplomas, only then did Baekhyun cross one line, two lines, all the restrictions that he’d put out for Chanyeol.

 

It came in a form of a hug. Baekhyun initiated it.

 

He smiled at Chanyeol, ever so brightly and breathed heavily.

 

“Congratulations, _Yeol._ You did it.” The brunet said proudly.

 

 

And then he walked away. Just like that.

 

And like Baekhyun still said, Chanyeol didn’t look for him. He didn’t try to find out what was happening in Baekhyun’s life nor did he try to ask Jongdae, Kyungsoo nor Jongin.

 

They wondered why, but Chanyeol kept his lips sealed.

 

 

Chanyeol buried himself with work, prioritized his family that is his parents and his older sister.

 

As the years passed, Chanyeol had been able to help build a business for his parents, being able to put up Viva Polo and focusing on work. On the side lines, Chanyeol would frequent a bar where he writes, having been able to take up a hobby as the years passed by.

 

It wasn’t as bad as he imagined it to be. He still ached, but not as much as he used to, and maybe— _just maybe—_ time did heal wounds. Thinking about Baekhyun didn’t quite hurt as much anymore. Rather, it was refreshing. Thinking about him despite all that they’ve been through, all that he’s done, Chanyeol could still see Baekhyun’s smile in the back of his eyelids, and this is the motivation that he uses, as he continues further into life.

 

As Chanyeol finally begins on a career that he is set on pursuing, he keeps the memory of Baekhyun by his side.

 

 

. . .

 

 

Baekhyun looks up at the sky, staring at the vast blue of it all, admiring the endless space above them.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to ditch _him_ for me?” someone cut off.

 

“Sehun…” Baekhyun softly scolds the male, who now stands taller than he used to be.

 

Standing beside him to admire the view, Sehun is on his clean cut suit, freshly chopped black hair making him look completely mature, the young male pursed his lips to the side, “I always go for the older and cute type…” he sighs, “Maybe I should change that next time…”

 

The PA calls for the flight, SA614. Sehun breathes in heavily as they face one another. “So.” The tall male began, “See you in… A few months?”

 

“Next year, Hun.” Baekhyun says with a smile, still donning his corporate attire, his id lace with S&T’s name printed on it along with his name plate on his chest pocket.

 

They share a short moment and Sehun hugs him tightly, “Don’t go shedding any more baby tears, you hear?”

 

“Nope,” he pops the p there, “I’ll call you late in the night to whine.”

 

“Hah! Kyungsoo will kill you.”

 

“K- Kyungsoo? Wha—”

 

“Oh, there’s my flight, don’t want to miss that.” The male cuts him off, taking his carry-ons with him and walking away.

 

“Oh Sehun! There’s something you’re not telling me!”

 

But Sehun was gone, out of sight, running away, escaping from him.

 

 

Baekhyun finds himself laughing, shaking his head as he imagines Kyungsoo and Sehun hooking up with each other.

 

Just when did that happen?

 

 

. . .

 

 

Sehun arrives a few hours later, smoothly processing his passport and visa from the immigration, the lanky male is quick to gather his belongings from the baggage claiming section.

 

Soon, Sehun was out of the airport and there’s a petite male there, waiting by the lounge. He’s covered up and drowning in his jacket, his scarf doing the deed of hiding the lower half of his face more.

 

“Kyungsoo!” Sehun calls.

 

Ah, there it was.

 

Those heart-shaped lips.

 

Sehun realizes that he hasn’t really changed his type at all.

 

Shaking his head, he found himself chuckling, “Still the cute and older type, huh.”

 

 

Sehun and Kyungsoo share the evening in Kyungsoo’s apartment, now working as a Human Resources officer in a construction company, they catch up on each other’s lives as they share a light dinner after coming back from a date.

 

“How’s Baekhyun doing?” Kyungsoo chirped.

 

The lanky male nodded as he chewed onto his meal, “Good, very good. He’s gained some weight back. He’s been playing a lot in the evenings, staying late at night and all.”

 

“Oh? Speaking of Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, “Chanyeol’s _finally_ gotten a job. I told him he couldn’t live off ghost-writing and up he went. Said he just got a last-minute call from this company in Japan.”

 

“In Japan?” Sehun asked.

 

Kyungsoo nodded, “Baekhyun’s leaving Japan soon right?”

 

Then it was silent, the both of them sharing a look.

 

“Baekhyun’s… he decided he’ll be staying for another year. Or more. He just got a new job, he started working last week, so…”

 

“What?” Kyungsoo said, shocked. His jaw dropped along with his fork, looking bewildered. “Should we tell them?!”

 

“No.” Sehun said, “I think this is what they were aiming for.” And Sehun continued chewing, unaffected by the revelation, “Anyway, what company is Chanyeol going to be working for?”

 

“S&T Industries.”

 

It was Sehun’s turn to drop a utensil.

 

 

  
  



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